Commit It To Memory
by Airica Adriene
Summary: [namixel][challenge fic for xxlovelycollision] : it's not until you forget everything when you realize what you have.


Disclaimer- I don't own Kingdom Hearts or whatever.

Commit It to Memory

oneshot

axel x naminé

I'm an idiot.

A freaking IDIOT.

I can still see the tears in her eyes, her trembling lips, and her left arm cradling her right, unable to make eye contact with me. "Go," she murmured, looking away. "I'm sorry. Just go."

And without saying a word, I ran out the door and outside, into the dark, and just stood there. I didn't apologize to her. She was the one who offended me! It was her fault. She had to so kindly point out that I never felt anything, that I was a Nobody, basically frozen with my imperfections and whatever. And there wasn't anything I could do right now to change that.

I haven't talked to Naminé since. I mean, it's only been a couple days, but she hasn't come out of her room. I don't feel bad. I'm not supposed to feel anything, right?

I clench my fists as I walk up the stairs to see Xemnas. He needs me to do something. What, I don't know. But it should be important. It had _better_ be important. If he wants me to help him do something, I am going to…

"Yes Xemnas?" I ask.

"I need you to do something for me."

"Really, you're kidding me. You never ask me to do anything for you, I'm so surprised." I roll my eyes with sarcasm.

"Axel, this is not funny. I need you to get Naminé for me; I need to talk to her."

"What?!" I stare at Xemnas. "I can't go in there! She won't listen to me!"

"Why not?"

"Well… I… she won't… she said… and I… well…" I groan. "What do you want her for? She's up in her room, by herself. God, couldn't you get someone else to do it for you?"

"I need you to get her for me, Axel."

-

Naminé jammed her blood red pencil onto the pad of paper and began to scribble. She may never know or remember what anger really feels like, but now she was closer to knowing than ever. Axel was the worst person – excuse me, worst _Nobody _– to ever NOT exist. She hated him. She hated him more than words could say. He actually had the guts to burn an innocent person for saying something that was never meant to harm anyone. He was dangerous; how could anyone do something so cruel? Naminé was never going to talk to him again. Never, ever. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not in an eternity would she ever talk to him.

Suddenly, the colored pencil tip snapped.

Confused, Naminé looked up at the ceiling. Why did it feel like something was moving? It looked like something was moving, too. Naminé stood up. A sudden dizziness hit her, and she quickly sat back down. What was going on? Dropping her sketchbook, she grabbed her head. It was _throbbing_. The colored pencils came crashing down off of her lap as she stood back up, trying to get some pills or some sort of medicine.

And that's when it happened.

Naminé felt her body tilt forward, but it felt like forever before she was actually against the floor. Finally, she felt the icy hard ground crash into her cheekbone. But instead of pain, Naminé felt a sharp numbness cast over her face. And if she did feel pain, she didn't notice it. Something else much more critical was happening.

_W-what's going on?_

_Where am I?_

_…what?_

_Who… am I?_

-

BANG BANG BANG. "Naminé! Xemnas wants to talk to you!" BANG. "Naminé! I know you hate me and all but seriously answer this door! If you don't, a dusk is going to answer it for you!" There isn't a sound coming from her room. If she's avoiding me, she's _seriously _going to pay. "Naminé! I swear to God, if you don't answer this door by the time I count to ten I promise you I will burn it down! One… two… three…"

Strange. She's usually at the door by three.

"Four… five… six…"

Okay, this is getting suspicious.

"Seven… eight…"

I turn the doorknob, forgetting that I could've just done that earlier.

"Nine…" I say, confused. Suddenly, I see Naminé, crumpled up on the glossy white floor. "Ten," I whisper, staring at her pale body, looking dead on the ground. Slowly, I walk toward the limp body. "Naminé?"

No movement.

I bend down reluctantly, afraid it was some joke. Roxas was going to DIE if it was. I wait for a moment. "Naminé," I say softly, touching her ice cold arm. "Please, please don't be dead. You can't die, remember?"

"Who – who are you?" I hear her voice, barely audible.

"Uh… I'm Axel, nice to meet you," I say as I lift my hand off of her.

"A-axel?"

"Ye-ah."

"Axel, I'm scared."

A bit too eagerly, I turn her over so I can see her face. She gasps, bewildered at the sight of me. "Oh!" she says.

"What?"

"I… I don't…"

"What? What, Naminé?"

She looks at me funny. "Nam… Nam-i-né. Is that… is that me?"

"Um. Yes."

"So you're Axel, and I'm Naminé."

"Ha ha. That's hilarious. A riot. Really, if you're working for Roxas, I'll double what he's paying."

"Roxas? Who's…?"

I laugh. "Man oh man, he must be paying you a _lot_."

"But I don't… I mean… please Axel…"

"Naminé, quit trying to scare me. It's not working." I wait for her retort, "but you don't feel anything," and then Roxas to jump out and say, "smile for the hidden camera!" But she says nothing. She just stares at my face timidly. "I don't know what's going on Axel."

Oh, my God. She really… she really doesn't remember anything.

"Naminé… Naminé, do you remember what you were just doing?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Well, I think…"

"What? You think what?" I pull her closer to my knees so I can hear her quiet voice.

"I think I fell. But it's funny," she says, turning her eyes away. "I can't seem to feel any pain. I fell on my cheek, I think, but I don't remember feeling anything at all. I… don't remember anything. Who I am, who you are. Right now, I…" she sighs. "I only know what you're telling me and what I see. And… it's terrifying me, Axel."

I sigh sympathetically. "So… you don't remember… yesterday?"

She shakes her head. "Axel… could you tell me? About… whatever happened yesterday? And can you explain why I don't feel anything right now?"

Dejected, I shove my arm under her frail legs and pick her up. "Well…" I start, not knowing exactly how to put it. I had heard this speech before, so I did kind of know what to say, but how to say it escaped me. "You don't feel anything… because… you… don't… you don't…"

"I don't what, Axel?" she whispers.

I close my eyes. "You were never supposed to exist."

She gasps. "How could you _ever _say something like that?"

I open my eyes to see her, looking shocked and like she was about to cry. "Because… it's true, all right? It's a long story, I don't want to explain, but you were never supposed to exist. I wasn't either." I sigh. "Look, it's not your fault, and it's not mine either, but we were turned into Nobodies, things that aren't supposed to exist. In fact, everyone here wasn't ever supposed to be."

"There are more people?"

"Yeah."

"Wait, so if I'm not supposed to exist, then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you don't have a heart. You don't have a life. None of us do. None of us have feelings, or true physical pain or happiness or anything." There's a sharp tone of cruelty in my voice I notice, unfortunately after I've spoke. I see her cower with fear. And then there's a look of confusion that crosses her face. "A heart…?" she asks.

I suddenly feel a pain of sadness in my stomach. "It's nothing Naminé, nothing," I say, looking away. "But I think we should get you some help." Solemnly, I pick her up all the way, my hand holding her head and her legs swung over my opposite arm. I feel her sigh. She seems pretty relaxed, although sad. I turn my face away from her.

"Axel? …why are you carrying Naminé?"

"God dang it Demyx just shut up."

"I'm serious dude."

Suddenly I feel her trembling in my arms. "She had a memory relapse," I say matter-of-factly, afraid I would begin a long, tough staredown.

"Whatever man," Demyx says, walking away.

"Wh-who was that?"

"Demyx. Another Nobody."

"Oh."

I walk up the stairs carefully so I don't jostle her as much. "You're light," I murmur.

She looks away from me.

I sigh. "Look, Naminé," I say softly. "It really isn't anyone's fault. And you're lucky. I mean, you're at least half of a person. Some Nobodies aren't even human anymore."

She looks back at me and smiles, tears in her eyes. "I'm not mad," she says. "Just…" She sighs. "I don't get it. I don't exist. You were telling me that, and I don't even know what's going on. I know I don't… seem scared, exactly, but inside, I'm terrified."

"I'm sorry, Naminé."

"It's all right."

The corner of my mouth lifts into a smile. I climb up the next flight of stairs.

I gasp, almost dropping her. Heh, I forgot she was even there. I sigh, relieved. "Yeah?" I say sheepishly.

"So… I don't have emotions?"

Suddenly, I feel the hot liquid of frustration in the back of my throat. "No, Naminé," I say, climbing up the last couple flights of stairs. "We don't."

She's quiet for a second. Then she asks, "you said I'm half of a person right?"

"Yeah."

"Then why am I not fully a person?"

I still feel her shaking in my arms. She's still nervous, apparently. "Look, it's a long story," I say. "I can explain it to you later. Just… this is another life. Kind of. Just… never mind."

I feel her small body deflate slightly with hope. "It's not a fun story," I warn her. "I'll tell you when you're stronger. All right?"

"Okay," she murmurs. Suddenly, giving me the biggest shock of my life, she screams. Man, I think I'm deaf now. "What, what?" I yell, looking around at everything.

"What IS that?"  
I whip my head around to find one of Luxord's Nobodies, wandering around. "It's a Nobody," I murmur, turning to walk back up the stairs. I hear her "wow" in awe. "That's amazing," she breathes. "What does it do?"

"Um…" I think for a second. "I don't know."

"Oh," she says, still staring at the Nobody. "That's fascinating."

"Really," I say, annoyed.

Finally we get to the last flight of stairs. She's still glaring. I put her down, and help her regain her balance. "Are you all right?" I ask.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

Her back straightens. "Yes."

"Okay," I say, knocking on Xemnas's door. There's one knock, and the door opens by itself, revealing Xemnas himself. "Um… hi," I say. "Here's Naminé, she's perfectly fine!"

"Really," Xemnas says, looking down at Naminé. She slowly hid behind me, afraid of the Superior. "Naminé, I need to speak with you."

"O-okay…" Naminé reluctantly walks forward into Xemnas's room. Xemnas glares at me. "What?" I say in my I-didn't-do-anything-quit-staring-at-me voice. Rarely does that work. But today it does. Xemnas walks back into the room, and the door closes. Then it hits me.

Oh my God.

I just sent an amnesic Naminé into a room with Xemnas.

I'm gonna die. He's gonna kill me when he finds out.

Oh. My. God.

I grab my head, hyperventilating. I suppose it isn't that bad, but just the thought gave me chills, because sometime Xemnas couldn't control himself and you know he could kick me out of the Organization and oh my god, Naminé is delirious why did I just send her in there?

Slowly, I sit down on the floor next to Xemnas's door. I try to listen to what's going on. God. Why are his walls so thick? It's almost like he doesn't want anyone listening. I mean, seriously.

Suddenly, the door creaks open. Out comes Xemnas. I jump to my feet, feeling guilt at the bottom of my stomach. "Hi?" I say, my voice high pitched like I was answering a question.

"Axel."

"What?"

"You know."

I sigh. "She fell."

Xemnas says nothing. He just stares. "She wants to see you," he says finally.

"Why?"

"Go in there, Axel."

I obey, sliding through the door. "Naminé?"  
"What is this? What am I? What are we? I mean, I know, but I don't. It's scaring me. I think I'm supposed to feel something. I don't know. I'm lost." Her voice echoes throughout this large room. She isn't talking to anyone, really, just herself. And me. I guess.

"Axel. Please. Can't you explain it a little more?"

I groan. "Fine," I mutter in agreement. "Well, Nobodies are basically just things without hearts, right? Well, people like you and me are half people, still with no hearts, but – but we're close. Really, really close." My voice trails off as I begin to stare into space. I hate discussing this; it just kills me to explain.

"But still doesn't make sense," she says faintly.

"Well, when someone's heart is taken by the heartless-"

"Heartless?"

"Creatures who live on the darkness of people's hearts. But anyway, when someone's heart is taking by the heartless, a Nobody is born."

"Oh."

"Yeah." I see the tears welling up in her eyes, and I quickly look away. I know this wasn't my fault, nothing at all, but yet I feel like I have to take the blame. Even if she fell herself, and I didn't have anything to do with it.

"Oh, Axel," I hear her murmur.

I continue to glare at the wall. "It isn't your fault, you know," I say quietly. "None of this is your fault. Not even your memory loss."

I hear her whimper slowly turn into quiet sobs. "But… what if it is my fault?" she tries to ask.

"Oh, God, Naminé, please don't do this, it wasn't your fault," I say. Reluctantly, I turn back around to see her cowering against the back of the chair, her knees pulled up with her face buried in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking with every sob. I bite my lip, and finally, after some thought, I picked her up again and held her close to my chest. "Shh, Naminé, you're all right, you're all right," I say softly in her ear. I feel her calm slightly, but she's still crying. I look at her face that's no longer covered. Tears are flooding from her eyes onto both her cloth shirt and my black cloak. Nearly crying myself, I hold her tighter. "Naminé, you're fine, you be okay," I whisper.

"I'm sorry," she says, laughing slightly. "I didn't mean to get like this. It's just… I find myself suddenly unable to remember anything at all, and then find out again that I'm not supposed to exist at all. I'm not even real."

I close my eyes. "You're more real to me than anything," I say, my voice cracking. I had never had that thought before about Naminé. And yet, at this moment in time, it was the truest thing ever, even if I had never discovered it until now.

It's quiet for just about ever. And then, unsurely, she says, "If… we were who we're supposed to be, Axel, then… would we… do you think that we would love each other?"

"I don't know, Naminé." I open my eyes, and she's looking at me with this strange expression. "Maybe." Then I begin to laugh. "Naminé, do you know how un-Axel this is? I'm just not like this."

She smiled slightly. "I figured."

"But… um… well, Vexen is going to fix you with whatever he does, and…" I swallow. "Xemnas… is trying to collect hearts so we can become real again."

Her eyes lit up with happiness. "R-really?"

I smile. "Yeah." Slowly, I set her down. I scratch my head. "Now what?"

She giggles. "You admitted we'd love each other."

"I didn't say that! I just… I said I don't know." It's quiet for a moment. Then I look at her. "I did, didn't I?"

"Well, you did say maybe."

I laugh. She laughs. And we laugh for the longest time ever, even if it really isn't that funny. And I felt something I'd only felt one other time – a heart.

I love that feeling.

If only I could feel it again.

END

well that was my namixel for loren's challenge.  
very different from other stuff I've written.

at least that's what I thought.  
I hope you liked it; I'm proud of it.

-airica 


End file.
